friday flashback

On Fridays for the month of December (and until I grow tired of doing it), I’ll feature a post from my old blog. These may or may not be any good.

July 2007: this is why i could never do this professionally

We went to see a movie Saturday night --

what? Oh, Transformers. Yeah, it was pretty good. Huh? Well, I don't know if he's the next Tom Hanks, but his comedic timing's not bad.

Anyway, before the movie we had dinner. I had to order this thing called a flirtini because it had champagne and we were CELEBRATING, baby. God, was I embarrassed ordering this drink. And then I got carded. So I kissed the waiter. And then Fred got carded and he kissed the waiter too. I decided, after finishing my FLIRTINI (I must spell it that way so as to avoid some of the embarrassment. Don't ask me why this works) in a record 4 minutes, I decided it tasted like crap and I would not be saying FLIRTINI to the waiter again. So I ordered an apple martini (because that's way more civilized) and Fred continued to drink his giant margarita. Then the waiter tried to bring us the check, and we said, "No! We are CELEBRATING! And we are lushes with babysitters! Another round!" Then we all made out a bit.

We finally stumbled out of there and over to the movie theater (thank goodness we fandango'd our tickets so we wouldn't have to slur unintelligibly to the ticket counter person). At some point, something amused me to no end, and I knew I would need to write about it here. So I took out a receipt and scribbled "artificial leg" on it. You know, as a reminder.

I cannot for the life of me remember what it was about. And that's too bad, because I think it was really funny.

Anyway, then the previews started and by the time the movie ended I was sober with a very bad headache.

My story has no ending. I like cheese. The end.


friday flashback

On Fridays for the month of December (and until I grow tired of doing it), I’ll feature a post from my old blog. These may or may not be any good. (And yes, I'm well aware that today is Monday and NOT Friday. I have no good excuse.)

From June 2006

Did you know my husband has a girlfriend?

Uh-huh. He sure does. Her name is Suze. Except you don't say it the way it looks. Soo-zee. Not Sooz. Whatever.

My husband's girlfriend is money savvy. Something I'm not. That's the only reason I allow this little "thing" to continue.

But she's also a TiVo hog. Even in the middle of the night, when my husband is in bed with me and can't be with her, the little red glow of the recording light lets me know that Soo-zee is visiting.

Every now and then, Fred will suggest that he and I spend some time with his girlfriend. Together. I'm a modern girl. Okay, I say. As long as she knows who's married to whom.

We spent some time with Soo-zee last night. She wanted to tell us all about being a first time home-buyer. I guess that's her idea of pillow talk. Didn't really work for me, but she's not my girlfriend. However, she does take phone calls (I know! More people to invite into our little circle. Aren't we the kinky ones?), and will sometimes completely berate the callers, so that's fun to watch.

Soo-zee frightens me. She has lots of PEP! and ZEAL! and she calls everyone "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." (I straightened her out on that one. "Soo-zee," I said, "I cannot be your girlfriend. I'm married. And you're way too old for me. But thanks.") She also talks about things called FICO scores. Did you know about these? They can mean lifelong financial success or sudden financial ruin. One little number.

In order to deal with Soo-zee's PEP! and ZEAL! last night (and because, while I'm a modern girl, I'm still MARRIED), I needed a glass of wine. So I had two.

After Soo-zee had left, Fred bathed in something akin to a post-coital glow, me digging through the refrigerator looking for another bottle of wine, we did something we should never do: we attempted to have a serious conversation about the paranormal versus science while one of us is slightly inebriated. What a disaster that was. Me, trying to make a coherent point, stumbling over my words, Fred just shaking his head. I finally gave up. And ate a biscuit.

In other news, today my work schedule changed such that I didn't have to be in until 11 this morning. On a typical morning, Emma wakes up around 5:30. I entertain her in bed (= let her gnaw on my hand) while Fred showers. Then he takes her, changes her, dresses her, and feeds her while I continue sleeping, usually until 6 or 6:30, at which point I stumble downstairs for coffee if he hasn't brought it up already. Yeah, he's a saint, I'm a slacking bitch.

Last night, I told Fred that I would take Emma to day care, and since he would have to leave work early to pick her up, he could leave early in the morning. I even said I would get up with her when she got up, so he could shower and go. He just squinted and looked at me funny. I don't think he believed me.

This morning, 5:30 came and went, and Emma was still sleeping. Fred showered and went downstairs. At 6:00 she was still sleeping. At 6:30 I got out of bed and got coffee, and she was STILL sleeping. In fact, we had to wake her up (which, frankly, is the best thing ever. She blinks her eyes open slowly, and then she smiles the biggest smile when she sees us).

I love this child. She understands that Mommy just doesn't function before 6. Bless her.


sleight of hand

I'd like to take this moment to introduce a new invention I've... uh... invented. Presenting INVISIBLE BLOG POSTS! They're there, you just can't see them! Witness a live demonstration of this magical feat by trying to find posts from this past Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday.

Oh, ok. FINE. There aren't any. Because I didn't write them. Here. I didn't write them here. But I wrote them in my heart! Doesn't that count for something?

You know what else I haven't done? Ordered Christmas cards. My right eye starts twitching every time I think about it. We had a picture we were going to use, but the more I think about it the more I worry that people won't get the joke. So then I thought I'd take a picture of Emma in front of the tree (yeah, AGAIN) and try to do a bokeh effect with the tree lights, but see... last year, on Halloween, my loving adorable gorgeous funny brilliant husband dropped my camera. And now the display only shows the bottom half of numbers. So trying to adjust manual settings is not working. But maybe I can fake it anyway.

And now I will distract you with last year's picture (note the distinct lack of bokeh)!

According to iPhoto, I took this picture a year ago tomorrow and was still able to send cards before Valentine's Day, so I'm hopeful for this year


friday flashback

On Fridays for the month of December (and until I grow tired of doing it), I'll feature a post from my old blog. These may or may not be any good.

From December 2005: Some post-holiday cheer

This year I wondered, now that our house has a little family, when will I start sending out those Holiday Newsletters? You know the ones -- I'm sure the author started out with nothing but good intentions, planning to share the events and activities from the past year. But by the time you finish reading it, you hate yourself and your own family, who are nothing but mindless slackers in comparison.


Dear Family, Friends and Colleagues,

2005 was a busy year for the Robinson clan!

Jack was promoted at work, again! Of course, since he was already CEO, they had to invent a new position for him. He just loves his job, and has nothing but wonderful things to say about his work friends.

After 15 years of raising the children and keeping the house, I decided to re-enter the work force. Not sure if my outdated skills would be of any value in this new computer age, I decided to go back to school and get one of those Master's degrees. I'm still not sure what I mastered in, but it was well worth it -- I was hired for the first position I applied to, and am now regional manager.

Little Bobby isn't so little anymore. He's halfway through his senior year at Michigan, and was the starting quarterback for the third year in a row. As I'm sure many of you saw on ESPN, he did not win the Heisman Trophy. That was a sad day in the Robinson household. But Bobby has been so mature about the whole experience, and knows it was an honor just to be nominated. And the NFL draft is just around the corner!

Our youngest bookworm Susie is loving her sophomore year at Princeton. We were worried that the pressure of an ivy league school would be hard on her, but she's handled it with grace I've not witnessed in a 15 year old. She's considering law school, but she can't give up her childhood dream of studying literature at Oxford, and is already preparing her application to be a Rhodes scholar.

This past year wasn't just about work work work for us. The kids gave us a wonderful anniversary trip to Tuscany. I only wish we could have spent July and August there as well -- June just wasn't enough.

We also have a new member of the Robinson family -- Lance joined us in March. Susie claimed she was too old for a pony, but I have to admit, I've wanted one since I was a little girl.

We are grateful for all of our blessings, and we look forward to 2006. We also hope to see many of you. We hope that your schedules won't be as full as they were last year. We were so disappointed that none of you were able to visit. Those last minute cancellations were especially hard. But we have high hopes for 2006.

A happy and healthy New Year to you all,

The Robinsons - Jack, Mitzy, Bobby, and Susie (& Lance)


i need some platform shoes

My cold returned last night and now four of my nails have chipped. I lost my nose stud last night and the only replacement jewelry I could find was a giant ring and I kept waking up in the middle of the night trying to rip it out.

How the mighty fall.

In other news -- hey! It's December. Which means something something presents something. I don't know. This is also the month where I begin drinking heavily. I love Christmas but I hate Christmas shopping. The pressure is obscene to make sure that what you get for someone is EXACTLY what they want, which is why I wish we could just give each other hundred dollar bills. "Merry Christmas, buy whatever you want." I'm always scouring gift guides in the hopes that the perfect present will reveal itself, and I can call and order thirty and be done! And a hero! And worshiped all across the lands!

Are you also struggling? Want some ideas while I totally pimp my friend's business? Sweet. Then head on over to her site and check out the goods. Beth is a rep for Silpada, and they have some of the most AWESOME silver jewelry around. (They also have some wacky ideas about wearing half of the catalog's items at one time, which, come on. That shiz is HEAVY.) I have two pieces that I adore and wear all the time.

the bracelet has square links, which looks killer. and the earrings are so delicate and pretty. unlike me.
 We saw Beth during our trip to Florida, and it was so awesome to catch up, and also she let me try on all of her stuff. Like this stunner:

There were other goodies but I was so focused on this ring I almost didn't give it back to her.

Seriously, please go take a gander at the catalog. The stuff is gorgeous. And! Beth is giving a percentage of her sales this season (through December 11) toward a charity in Central Florida that helps out needy families. And again! She's having two drawings -- if you place an order before December 11, not only will part of your money go to this charity, but you'll be entered in a drawing for a donation of a $100 to the charity of your choice, and you'll be entered into Beth's 3 Days of Christmas giveaway, where she'll draw a winner on the 21st, 22nd AND 23rd to receive a Silpada gift.

So! Jewelry! Charities! Giveaways! It's all good stuff. (Plus, my friend is awesome and I love her and you would be totally supporting her business and that would mean I would love you too.)


and so it begins

Well! Good morning, friends.

It's December first, my cold is (pretty much) over, it's lightly snowing outside, the Christmas lights are twinkling all over town, and I've only chipped two of my nails -- it's a good day!

I'd like to make sure I give you something funny to read, or pretty to look at, or something to think about every day. Which requires a teeny bit of forethought. Not a trait I'm particularly well known for possessing. So good luck to me. (Also, today does not count. Nothing to look at here. Move along.)

One of the things I want to cover this month are the various events that took place this past summer and fall that I didn't get around to telling you about. For those of you who read the old blog, I'll also be bringing some of the archives over and highlighting some of my favorite posts. My overall goal for December here at Paper, Squared is to give you a better picture of me. And to figure out what exactly I'm trying to do with this space. Prepare yourselves. Or not.

I know. You are OVERWHELMED with excitement. I don't blame you.